Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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