Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
