it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
