Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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