two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
