you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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