I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
