tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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