Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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