No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
