Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
