I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
