remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
