I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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