Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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