i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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