Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
