I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
