i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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