I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
