I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
