Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
