All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
