someone threw a dead crab at me
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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