Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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