So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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