"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
