you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
