when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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