Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
