he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
