dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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