I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
