I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
