I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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