We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
