I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
