OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
