I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
