Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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