i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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