I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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