birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
