i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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