I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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