I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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