did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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