so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
