I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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