tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
She swung at the pinata with crutches
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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