This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
vagina is talking i cant
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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