i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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