If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
