My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
