he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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