It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
