Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
