Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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