Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
